Loneliness

What is loneliness? Why do people get lonely? I think it's imprtant for every healthy person to be attached to other people socially and personally even though people are NOT perfect and will eventually let you down in some way or another. It's inevitable.

My ultimate let down was when my brother left. The sad part for me was he hadn't told my Mom that he was going to leave town. She was and still is the only person he was in contact with and she was crushed. I never expected that he would stay away for what I fear is for good. I don't know what is worse...saying goodbye to someone and KNOWING that they won't be back for some time(or for good) or holding onto hope that they might come back and finding, after years, that hoping is pointless. It still hurts, and will always hurt and because of that relationship being broken I haven't connected to anyone like that since, with the exception of Jason, my boyfriend:) Any close friend I have had in this 8 year period has been lost in one way or another. Whether we have simply grown apart or I felt they have betrayed me somehow I don't have much of a problem writing people out of my life...forever. It sounds harsh but people come and go and everyone is there for a reason. It's easier to shut people out and lean on my family than expose how truly vulnerable and sensitive I am. My family and I are very close now. My parents and sister are so very important to me and with Jason in my life I feel very fulfilled as far as my family goes. They are my world:)

That said, I have lived in Eugene for close to two years and truly love this unique city. Jason and I live in a nice apartment in downtown, I finally have a job I enjoy, and for the first time in my entire life I am doing really well in school. I really shouldn't have anything to complain about. But you'd think after two years I would've found some lasting friendships and in some ways I have. I have people here that I know I could count on no matter what but on a daily friendship basis I haven't found many that make an effort or make time to see and be around me. I make an effort with some and not so much with others but you'd think I would've found a connection with SOMEONE by now. It makes me wonder...if I am just one of those people who is meant to be their own friend...

I write, I take photos, I play piano, and mainly, I sit at home and clean. I tend to be shy and don't put myself out there unless I really know a person. I don't mind my own company but it gets, well, lonely. When my emotional needs aren't met I feel conflicted, and lash out at the people that are around me when it's not their fault to begin with. Maybe close friends are simply overrated and my inability to overlook betrayal will always stand in the way of finding that best-friend-no-matter-what. Maybe I need to learn how to better be my own friend rather than focusing on what I don't have. Maybe I need to stop trying...?